2013 in review

as the a new year begins, it's time to unpocket my spectacles and review 2013 in detail. the joys, the sorrows, the fears, the utter madness--i'll tell it all.

one very important thing that happened in 2013 is that i learned how to return a package through the mail. although this may seem like an elementary task, after i threw the box and packaging away that contained the large item i wanted to return, i realized that i didn't know the first thing about returning packages. now i know that the first step is to retain the box for shipping purposes.  luckily, the gods were with me during this stressful time, and while walking to the store near my work i found a substantial box someone had left out for trash collection. they obviously didn't realize that this "trash" costs $25 at the post office, and they could have done some kind of box arbitrage. so into the box the kitchen cart went, to be replaced by the exact same one i found on craigslist for 1/4 the price. the one we returned may or may not have had a large stain on it.

the pretty cart

another thing that happened is i gained a new found appreciation for the idea of a "police state".  after spending a joyous day gallivanting around ikea and eating swedish meatballs, i just about dropped my new rug when i returned to my car and saw that some fool had knocked out the back light and scraped up the side of my forever hot ride, little red. with no note left to identify this fool and poor video surveillance coverage of the ikea parking lot, any attempt at vengeance would have been misdirected. if only, i thought, this parking lot and this world was crawling with law enforcement officers prepared to take punitive measures, this never would have happened to me. i must update the logs under my "alternative forms of social control" tab, which was created in response to the revelation that "the people are scum".

it's okay little red, we'll fix you

lastly, i learned this business parable, sent to me in a 'happy new years' type of email by a person who i am supposed to trust to represent the PTA in promoting our media assets:

Questioner:     I have a question for you.    Let’s say that you were out in the woods walking with your friend and you were suddenly confronted by a big grizzly bear!  What would you do?

Answer:   ooooh .. .i’m not sure .. is this where you’re to lie flat on the ground and pretend you’re dead?

Q:  no, not really .. the grizzly would surely maul you to death right then and there.

A:  yikes … what is the answer then … I can’t think.

Q:   the answer is that you should run like hell!

A:  oh .. okay … but … isn’t it pretty much conventional wisdom that you cannot actually outrun a grizzly?

Q:   ahhhhhhh … but you see … you don’t HAVE to outrun the grizzly … you ONLY have to outrun your friend!

their conclusion on the parable: "I will stand with you against the grizzlies of the world"
my conclusion: you are a sick f*** who willingly let your friend get eaten by a bear. you are worse than the grizzly. quite honestly i don't even understand who the grizzly is supposed to represent in this scenario.

in retrospect, this is just a small list of things that happened to me at the end of 2013. i live in the NOW, bitches. happy new years!