the war on christmas

this post may seem a little premature, but with winter quickly approaching i have had this growing tingling sensation in my sciatic nerve, a slight whir in the blood, that can only mean one thing: the war on christmas is ramping up again. this year, i'm ready to fight tooth and bone for whatever side is willing to give me some uncensored air time. i'm learning towards the good people at Fox, because for all the things they suck at, they are damn good at coming up with pithy little taglines like war on christmas. maybe they can also help me come up with a new name for my blog.

to prepare for the debates, let's see what bill has to say about the war on christmas:

with no other context, these talking points lead me to believe that bill could be referring to those ultra-pious christians who denounce santa claus and the rampant consumerism which has devoured the holiday, and celebrate nothing other than the birth of jesus on christmas. with their lack of christmas spirit, they surely must be the biggest perpetrators of this war.

sometimes though, i think beloved bill gets side-tracked and focuses his attention on the lesser, but more scandalous enemy-- the secularist. are we talking about the average person who goes to church once a year on christmas eve so they can justify the fun they plan to partake in the next day? the people who, during the holy sermon, can only think about whether or not santa will forgive them for having consumed all of the advent calendar chocolate a mere 3 days into december? no, these ones are doin real good. we're talking about those who dared to be vocal enough to say that, for example, maybe a particular religion shouldn't have a federally recognized holiday. although it certainly would not be inconsistent for a religious person to also hold that view, my guess is that Bill labels anyone who is not advancing the triumph of christmas as secular, and probably un-patriotic as well.

if bill could stop his prattle and think for a minute, he might realize that this war has no losers; christmas has spiraled completely out of control and could use a little bit of humility. who knows, maybe if santa wasn't flashing in our faces every 5 seconds during december, christmas might even become a religious holiday again. but in addition to Bill, groups like the american family association wouldn't dare let walmart get away with making advertisements that generically reference "the holidays" rather than christmas. i have two things i don't understand about this. first, why are these groups dying to have a religious holiday manipulated and taken advantage of by marketers so that children become little greedmongers? shouldn't they be happy that marketers are backing off? for two, why are marketers trying to be so PC? their job is to sell shit any way they can. these are very confusing times indeed.

if i ever find myself fighting a war over an imaginary fat man and the proper name for a dead tree that probably has roots in paganism anyhow (c'mon people, holiday tree?!), i will know that my life as a human being making contributions to a productive society is over. i'm not saying that these traditions aren't fun and nice, but let's put things into perspective: just because christmas symbols aren't being shoved down our collective throats, doesn't mean we can't continue christmas traditions, even if that means these traditions are increasingly relegated to the home. are people afraid they lack the will to celebrate without the help of big business? like, wut i do, wut this day for? however, if christmas hinges upon being bombarded with santa and whatnot in the public sphere, then that would be a problem. hmm...

the reason christmas is so tolerated in the public sphere is because its celebration has aspects which, despite its religious undertones, lend itself to being a very secular holiday. in fact, this war is really a war on secular christmas--i don't hear much jesus bashing, it's mainly, "get that f'ing north pole elf out of my face." bill is smart to fight about santa rather than jesus, as the latter would make his case much shakier. there is nothing in the constitution that references the separation between santa and state. but what if the tradition was to sit on jesus's lap and ask for a present at the mall rather than santa's lap? okay, actually i am not going to go any further into that thought because the image makes me feel sick.

but this post has been way too one-sided with only bill and i's thoughts. i want to know what the people think. i've been told that the people are scum, but this is a democracy and they should have a voice in the great war on christmas. i went to debate.org and typed in "should christmas be recognized as a federal holiday?" this is what i found.

of the 5 people who participated in the debate, 20% thought that establishing christmas as a federal holiday is against our constitution, and 80% thought that it was fine as is. of those who thought it should stand, reasoning included because "Christmas is fun" and "There is no good reason for it not to be a federal holiday." there was also this reason:

I believe that Christmas should be a federal holiday. It has been one for quite some time and nobody seems to have a problem with it. Changing this would not be right. Even those that do not celebrate Christmas are okay with it being a federal holiday. I guess they don't mind because its a day they get off from work.

speak with more confidence, fellow debater! it's not you "guess they don't mind", it's you know they don't mind. using such apprehensive claims will get you destroyed in a real debate.

if you are afraid of the war on christmas, you have let fear mongering get the best of you. i will tell you why: as long as christmas sales represent like a quarter of most company's yearly sales, it will never go away. it may change, and we all know dear bill and friends hate change, but things change for a reason...our culture has to stay up to date. but prattling on about patriots will not stop the zeitgeist, so i say, let 'em war. my weapon of choice? flying elf with dagger nose.