everything you need to know about grass

before purchasing a home, grass to me was just something that was there, a green mass that exhibited a uniform consistency and occasionally needed to be lopped off to maintain appearances. i am here to tell you that none of this is true. grass is made up of thousands of feeble, needy little shards that are just dying to betray you at any moment. if you even so much as withhold one drop of water because your can was empty, or cut it a centimeter shorter than it pleases, in an instant the treacherous stuff will disregard all the times you coddled it--brushed its fine blades with your comb, massaged its root--and get back at you with such an outburst of pettiness (weed party, not the good kind) that you wonder how so many people have fallen slave to that two faced plant. then you remember that creepy guy who claims to be "Scott" of the Scott's lawn company and you know he is the reincarnation of an evil blade of Scottish grass who is hypnotizing everyone to "feed it" (the grass, that is), and now no one can stop. because i faintly heard the desperate squeals of a dying emerald soul behind the mask of a pleasing scottish accent, i am one of the few who is repulsed by his creepy requests, often heard through my car radio. yet even i was not totally immune to this bit of bewitchment, for i too fed the grass, yes, yes i did. the difference is that i fed it with some fine, crystal drops of bottled poison. did mother nature learn nothing from the gardens of versailles, the neat rows where not a twig stands out of place? she must know that with a little perseverance, man has certainly mastered nature.

dead, reclaimed by the earth

zach and i thought long and hard, with the help of this miniature pumpkin, about what could we put in our front yard in place of those wicked green clumps.

after much deliberation, we finally came to a point of mutual agreement--there would be plants galore.

and there was.

i contemplated the beauty of what we were doing, and judged it good. 

i have a feeling i haven't heard the last of Scott, but this is certainly a start.