i hate grammar conventions...part ???

grammar...it's that terrible itch you just can't scratch. in 8th grade we spent an entire year covering grammar, and it was the pits. should i have put a comma after "grade" in the previous sentence? does anyone really care? unfortunately, the answer is yes. there are people out there who describe themselves as "hating bad grammar" and feel outraged when they come across it. i would like to use this opportunity to let those people know that they are contributing nothing to society except enforcing rigid, authoritarian rules that make language seem dull.

that's not to say that i think all grammar should be abandoned...although that certainly would be a fun time...but i understand that grammar can be useful in communicating your meaning clearly. however, there truly are some pointless grammar conventions--if it makes no difference in how i understand the sentence, it should be abolished. the grammar convention i loathe most is using commas in direct addresses. for example:

"stop eating my pancakes, grandpa!"

unless you are some kind of autotron, this is not how the rhythm of your speech would play out. if you were really mad at your grandpa for doing this, it would certainly be, "stop eating my pancakes grandpa!" if you were only a little mad, and kind of just acting exasperated with your grandpa, you might emphasize the word "grandpa" and use the rhythm above. but in the end, it makes me question if that person truly even wants the pancakes because robots can't eat pancakes.

some of my grammar friends will counter me and say, yeah, well what about this:

i will ignore that the second sentence contains an error. my counter: for this one very specific circumstance, you can just say "grandpa let's eat." done, get over it.

all i have to say is that if i receive another email starting with "Hi, Victoria," just to illustrate how good that person is at grammar i will lose my marbles.

i've been told that there are some pieces of writing that are not appropriate for this blog, or for the internet in general. this kind of thinking makes my mind feel dulled, but i'll admit that it has yet to be seen what kind of effect my mark of evil on the web will have on future endeavors. so i do practice some form of self-censorship, if for no other reason than to safeguard myself against publishing something that in theory i should feel uncomfortable about. when i write a post that i think might be questionable, i save it as a draft on blogger and leave it unpublished until i decide what to do with it. so tonight i found myself revisiting those drafts, and i stumbled upon a rather perplexing piece that i saved about a week ago, although i possess no memory of it whatsoever. here it is in its entirety:

ordered all real cats to be replaced by people
new order, all the

while all indications say otherwise, i'm going to give myself the benefit of the doubt and assume that i did not sit there and type this nonsense out as an idea for a potential blog post. but still, the text was intriguing enough to pique my interest-- it leaves so many unanswered questions, and i just couldn't leave it unfinished. here it goes:

ordered all real cats to be replaced by people

new order, all the last cats were feeble

this time i won't accept nothing less than 100 percent

give me that fake cat, ill be up on your customer service line expressing my discontent

you see, i aint the average consumer

and these games with the cats, i'm failing to see the humor

b**** that cat had a plastic paw

your online ad's misleading, this cat's not what i saw

you know i'm looking for that round ball of fur

it breathes, it moves, honestly just make sure it purrs

if this is too hard for you to fulfill let me know right now 

i'm warning you, repeated failure is something my fist won't allow

don't you know those online cats seemed like a good call

the beauty of the web is that no pretext is necessary at all

no busy body salesperson discriminating against my tastes

just because i need a lot of cats you gonna make me feel disgraced?

hell no, let me make my intentions clear

these cats won't be at my place for longer than a year

now your making me spell it out--i'm just a recluse fortunate enough to have made a cat for a friend

this little tabby showed me that life alone means nothing in the end

but i ain't no cat, that's why i made this plan....

ordered all real cats to be replaced by people

life is better now that this is off my chest.

2013 in review

as the a new year begins, it's time to unpocket my spectacles and review 2013 in detail. the joys, the sorrows, the fears, the utter madness--i'll tell it all.

one very important thing that happened in 2013 is that i learned how to return a package through the mail. although this may seem like an elementary task, after i threw the box and packaging away that contained the large item i wanted to return, i realized that i didn't know the first thing about returning packages. now i know that the first step is to retain the box for shipping purposes.  luckily, the gods were with me during this stressful time, and while walking to the store near my work i found a substantial box someone had left out for trash collection. they obviously didn't realize that this "trash" costs $25 at the post office, and they could have done some kind of box arbitrage. so into the box the kitchen cart went, to be replaced by the exact same one i found on craigslist for 1/4 the price. the one we returned may or may not have had a large stain on it.

the pretty cart

another thing that happened is i gained a new found appreciation for the idea of a "police state".  after spending a joyous day gallivanting around ikea and eating swedish meatballs, i just about dropped my new rug when i returned to my car and saw that some fool had knocked out the back light and scraped up the side of my forever hot ride, little red. with no note left to identify this fool and poor video surveillance coverage of the ikea parking lot, any attempt at vengeance would have been misdirected. if only, i thought, this parking lot and this world was crawling with law enforcement officers prepared to take punitive measures, this never would have happened to me. i must update the logs under my "alternative forms of social control" tab, which was created in response to the revelation that "the people are scum".

it's okay little red, we'll fix you

lastly, i learned this business parable, sent to me in a 'happy new years' type of email by a person who i am supposed to trust to represent the PTA in promoting our media assets:

Questioner:     I have a question for you.    Let’s say that you were out in the woods walking with your friend and you were suddenly confronted by a big grizzly bear!  What would you do?

Answer:   ooooh .. .i’m not sure .. is this where you’re to lie flat on the ground and pretend you’re dead?

Q:  no, not really .. the grizzly would surely maul you to death right then and there.

A:  yikes … what is the answer then … I can’t think.

Q:   the answer is that you should run like hell!

A:  oh .. okay … but … isn’t it pretty much conventional wisdom that you cannot actually outrun a grizzly?

Q:   ahhhhhhh … but you see … you don’t HAVE to outrun the grizzly … you ONLY have to outrun your friend!

their conclusion on the parable: "I will stand with you against the grizzlies of the world"
my conclusion: you are a sick f*** who willingly let your friend get eaten by a bear. you are worse than the grizzly. quite honestly i don't even understand who the grizzly is supposed to represent in this scenario.

in retrospect, this is just a small list of things that happened to me at the end of 2013. i live in the NOW, bitches. happy new years!