snow was falling lightly in the moonless woods. the branches caught the snow where they could and let the rest float down to the ground. ice had forced the stream to quiet itself weeks ago, and all the furry little animals had tucked themselves away somewhere, but not all was silent and still in rock creek park.
in the distance, the distinct crunch of an intruder could be heard trekking through the snow. if one were to catch a glimpse of the tracks, they might be delighted to see that they were made by cloven hooves--must be a brave winter animal. however, if this same person were to ponder the tracks a while, to play out the rhythm of the impressions in their head, they would be able to come to one conclusion and one conclusion only: this was no complex running beat of a ba ba boom boom ba ba boom boom kind of creature, it was a simple ba boom ba boom ba boom ba boom...the kind of work that could only be made by two extremities--by a horrible, hooven upright beast.
unnoticed,
krampus trudged on, anger coursing through his knotty veins and hot breath meeting the air through his nostrils. he was on a special mission tonight, a mission to install more fear and terror into some poor souls' lives than he ever had before. krampus was no stranger to the old world, where he had haunted both the waking and dreaming hours of alpine children for centuries, but including the new world in his wrath was unheard of.
these f***ing hipsters, he thought,
celebrating krumpusnacht in the open night? they don't know the depth of evil they are dealing with.
krampus was a terrible-looking thing. at just over 7 feet tall (7.5 feet if you counted his gnarled horns), his entire body was covered with coarse brown hair, which fell in long strings off of his head and his chin. from his ears to his nose to his chin to his
teeth, everything on his face was dreadfully pointy and sharp. his long tongue was split like his hoof, and his tail had a peculiar way of twitching as he walked. he carried a short wooden broom, had chains about his neck and torso that bounced silently against his matted fur, and a large, empty basket strapped to his back to carry away his victims.
after many miles of staggering through the forest in this way, krampus hit a clearing and saw his penta-cloven footed brethren in the distance. despite the krumpusnacht celebration and all the costumed krampuses it would bring, it was still too risky to walk the streets. as much as krampus preferred walking, he would need another means of transportation to arrive at his final destination, h street NE.
krampus rolled his pink tongue into his mouth, and whistled loudly through the slit, the agreed upon call if he was in trouble. within seconds, 9 cloven hooved animals flew down from the sky, carrying krampus' master, the one loved and hailed by all, kris kringle, st. nick, papa noel, father christmas. santa claus. be not surprised my friend, for all smiling idols have their own secrets and motivations too.
santa took his time exiting the sleigh, using one of the poor reindeer in the back to hoist himself up, whose bones looked curved and deformed from years of supporting such weight. on his clumsy way down, santa grabbed some snow from the ground, balled it up, and aimed his throw at krampus' old noggin. the snow hit krampus' nose with a soft thud, and buried itself in his beard.
"ho ho ho!" shouted santa. "look what we have here, a very bad boy indeed! ich vin von krampus? you know how i frown upon naughty children. well silly me, of course
you do! you're such a terribly wicked thing, aren't you? why'd you call me, needing a ride to inflict your terror on h street, i assume?"
"i've only done what you've required of me, mr. claus," replied krampus.
"oh don't kid yourself boy, i know you love it. all those dissatisfied, spoiled children out there, begging me for this and that year after year after year, and it's only gotten worse.
someone had to do
something about them, since their parents only add fuel to the fire, pushing them into my lap and holding them there until i grant them their wish with a forced smile. one time, yes, one time i had the courage to stand up to a mini devil, i could smell the impropriety all over him, but it did nothing but tarnish my reputation that christmas season. you wouldn't believe how many households left me coal rather than cookies that year! me! santa claus! no no, that wouldn't do. those kids, they needed to be punished, but they needed to love me too."
"that's where i come in, i suppose," said krampus in his dry way.
"oh, ho ho ho, you've caught on, better late than never i always say." santa slapped his suspenders against his flabby chest. "well, let's be on with it then."
"mr. claus, i don't understand," said krampus grasping for straws, desperately hoping that santa would change his mind, "the people of h street are
celebrating krampus and everything he stands for, they are promoting the punishment of naughty children in this parade! why would you want to stop them? let them do your dirty work for you, for us!"
santa's eyes grew hard, a faint flicker of lunacy glowed through his pupils. "you fool, don't you see, these hipsters have no intention of actually hurting any children! all they stand for is anything that isn't jolly saint nick, and you are obscure, and everything else that i am not, or so they think. sure, they'll talk about me ironically at their ugly sweater parties, but not once have 100 santas come together and paraded through h street, the forefront of culture in the new world!" at this point, santa was fuming. he closed his eyes, carefully pronunciating each word, "they. think. YOU. are. COOLER. than ME. ho ho, no, they will not get away with this, this, transgression. krumpusnacht will be forever no more unless it is celebrated earnestly!"
krampus bowed his head. "as you say, mr. claus."
santa grabbed krampus by his chain and pulled him into the sleigh. with a quick switch of his elkhide whip, the reindeer kicked into motion and cleared the forest below.
they sailed over the nation's capitol, home to good children and bad children alike. the great monuments and mall looked so peaceful at this hour,
why couldn't those h streeters all just stay home and be peaceful too, krampus thought. he closed his eyes and sat meditatively, rehearsing the plan in his head and convincing himself that no one would be hurt.
too short of a time later, they arrived behind the meeting place where the krumpusnacht parade would commence. krampus peered around the corner, and saw krampuses of all shapes, sizes, and ages. they seemed to be having a wonderful time admiring each other, petting neighbor's horns and tussling ratty hair.
no one had ever tussled the real krampus' hair before, he thought with a sulk.
not since...well not since an entirely different time indeed.
krampus' brooding was interrupted by a hard clap on his shoulder, and a quick shove from behind caused him to reveal himself to the party. catching a chair to prevent himself from falling, krampus collected himself and approached his fans with his head held high.
"damn, look at that sweet costume" a blue-faced krampus shouted. "are you on stilts man, how are you doing that!" krampus was about to yell some fiery words at them, demand their younglings and shoot out his split tongue when suddenly the parade jumped into motion. relieved, he pretended that nothing happened and pushed into the krampus sea.
the flashing cameras, overly elaborate costumes, and hellish screaming, it was all for him. krampus could see why santa was pissed, the people loved him! forgetting himself, krampus posed for several pictures with neighboring krampuses and made a point of walking hard so his hooves would make a loud 'clop' with each step. these hipsters had taken his horrible self and made him into something fun, something different! krampus' high lasted until out of the corner of his eye, he caught a whir of red and saw that lunatic eye blinking in the darkness of a closed storefront. the fun was over; he still had a job to do.
krampus stopped marching and peered around to find a suitable target. he didn't have to look long. standing apart from the parade were two boys and a girl dressed in plainclothes who were snapping pictures and looking on with amusement.
good as any, krampus thought.
departing from the crowd, krampus hunched his body and slinked his way over to them, leering and cocking his head in different ways to appear like he was considering, perhaps, devouring them. of the three, the girl was giving the most visceral reaction, so he focused his glowing red eyes on her face, using the powers bestowed upon him by santa to penetrate her soul. before the girl could fall into hysterics, santa jumped out from his hiding spot to save the day, his plan all along.
"ho ho ho, and a merry christmas! say, krampus, what is going on here, leave these poor people alone!" with that, santa kicked krampus in his shin, and krampus yelped and fell heavily to the ground, clutching his leg. "no need to thank me, boys and girls, it's really my pleasure!" santa was about to take a step forward, but before he could do so, the blue-faced krampus had hit him over the head with his staff.
"this is no place for santa," he screamed. grabbing krampus' wood broom, he went on, "assume the position santa, assume the position!!!" other krampuses who had seen what santa did to the real krampus joined in, chanting "assume the position" at the tops of their lungs and circling around him. one of them picked santa up, and the blue-faced krampus hit santa not once, but twice in the arse with the wood broom. for a quick moment krampus caught santa's expression, saw the mangled glint in his eye, and dove from the ground and across the circle to take on the full blow of santa's spell, which had been intended for the blue-faced krampus.
blinding pain reverberated throughout krampus' body, and his ears rung so fiercely that nothing registered with him except the own beating of his heart, which at that moment was all he wanted to hear. slowly the ringing turned to voices, and he looked up and saw all of his krampus friends gathered round to care for him.
glorious, it's glorious, krampus thought, shedding a tear. but as he tried to raise himself up he wasn't so ecstatic any longer. his arms were wrinkled and leathery, like that of an old man, and his legs were buckled and feeble. krampus realized that his hearing had returned, but there were no noises coming from h street at that moment, only the silence of shock. a pair of krampuses helped him up and supported him as the crowd made way so he could approach the reflective glass of the popeyes chicken restaurant. krampus reached out and touched the reflection, shaking, and then touched his actual face as well, feeling around his eyes, over his mouth and across his nose. it was unmistakable-- he was a much older version of the naughty boy santa had stolen from his Vater and Mutter's cabin centuries ago, and imprisoned in this body called krampus. crying, krampus, now Dolf again, turned and shouted to all in the crowd who was listening, "i will tell you everything, everything!" truly open to anything, those free-wheeling h streeters, they cheered and heard out his story as they all dined together, and laughed together when they saw santa's mug shot flash across the tv in the corner with 'fraud' displayed in big letters, and Dolf tasted the sweet joy of the popeyes chicken, and knew that for once, everything was as it should be.
